If you were able to prevent someone from experiencing recurring acute pain, would you do it? What if this pain, if not prevented, caused the person who suffered from it to be a danger not only to himself, but to society as a whole? What if the cost to you were that it would alter your appearance in a way that you could easily conceal. And what if it would have no other adverse effects on you or anyone else? And what if the pain were not only severe, but was being experienced by someone you love? And what if by preventing this pain you ended up saving both time and money? Well?

Most people would answer “yes” to this without a second thought. It’s a no-brainer. But not to my lovely bride. I can hardly believe it myself!

Allow me to elaborate:

Every now and then I wake up with a very sore neck. The soreness is not only severe, it persists for days. That is the pain of which I speak. The danger to me and to society is that when I drive my car, it hurts so much to turn my head, that I can only barely check the rearview mirrors when I change lanes, or look both ways for oncoming traffic or pedestrians when I pull onto a busy road. Oh, I most certainly do check, even though it causes stabbing jolts to radiate through every fiber of my being, emanating from my neck. But I’m willing to do that so that I am not a danger to myself or to others around me. Think of the many children I have not thoughtlessly crippled by blindly barrelling into them in my bid to minimize my own personal suffering. Most people would characterize this as “a very unselfish act.” Indeed, the work of Mother Teresa pales in comparison. Were I not so humble, I would nominate myself for the Nobel Peace Prize.

I think that this neck condition is caused from mistakes I make in my sleep. And aren’t those the hardest kind of mistakes to avoid? Well, maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. My theory is that the mistake I make in my sleep is indeed avoidable. When it gets cold at night, I snuggle up to my wife and she warms me right up. Except that if I snuggle my face up to the back of her head, her hair tends to tickle my nose. So I compensate by craning my neck to get my face away from her head. If I have the misfortune to drift off to sleep with my neck thusly craned, I wake up with this excruciating pain.

Then I hit upon the solution. In retrospect, the solution was so obvious that I was surprised I didn’t think of it years ago. It is so simple! My wife should shave her head.

If only she would shave her head, I wouldn’t have to crane my neck away to keep her hair out of my nose. I could snuggle up oh-so-close and wake up pain-free. But even though she claims to love me, she flatly refuses!

Yes, it would alter her appearance, but she could easily conceal that with a wig. The cost of this wig would be quickly mitigated by the savings we would reap from reduced expenditures in shampoo department. Once the wig were paid for, the savings would continue, so we’d save tons of money if only she would do this one, simple thing. She would no longer have to spend precious time every morning taming her locks, as they would be stowed safely on the dresser as she slept snugly next to yours truly. But no. She is restrained by her own vanity.

Has the spark gone from our marriage?